A very brief background about myself and my family

I am a stay at home wife and mother of three children living on earth and one in Heaven. Since getting married to my husband three years ago in February 2022, we had our oldest in November 2022, our second in November 2023, and our third in September 2024. My days are quite full and demanding, but it is my greatest joy to be a wife and mother. I received a positive pregnancy test on 12/7/24, but things did unknowingly take a turn and I was diagnosed with a missed or silent miscarriage at an ultrasound that didn’t pick up any cardiac activity. I like using "silent" more than "missed" because I do feel that God permitted it to unfold this way and nothing was missed.

My husband and I love the Latin Mass and we are thankful to have a Priestly Fraternity of St Peter parish in our area (FSSP), which is under the authority of the Holy See. We are especially thankful for the resources provided by one of the priests from our parish as far as what could be done in our situation. My story is shared through an authentically Catholic lens and I wanted to intertwine my miscarriage story with the sanctity of life and the meaning of being open to life in a society that very much is not. In the tabs at the top of this page, I have included various resources and articles that I came across pertaining to my story, miscarriage, or the Catholic faith that I thought could be insightful for those who want additional information.

Beatriz Maria Elfering

For reasons only known by God, our fourth child was called home early to Heaven after I was diagnosed with a silent miscarriage at an ultrasound that didn’t pick up any cardiac activity. In order to remember her, we had a Mass of the Angels (Mass offered for the death of a child) celebrated privately, followed by the order of naming, rosary, and burial at St Mary’s Catholic Cemetery in Norfolk. We are thankful for our parish for paying for burial. We also enrolled her at The Shrine of the Unborn located at The Church of The Holy Innocents in NYC. Her name will be written in the book of life there, and every Monday a Mass is prayed for those enrolled and for their families. We were unable to do a conditional baptism for her since it was definitively determined that she passed away before I had labored her, but there is such thing as a baptism of desire- and we truly did desire to have her baptized.

Consolation from a dream

The determination of her name was impacted by a dream that I had and that I also feel provided us consolation that she is in Heaven:

On the morning of January 21 the day of my ultrasound to confirm whether the pregnancy was viable or not, I had a dream that Drew and I were seated in some lobby waiting area. In the dream, I saw a sleeping baby in a baby carrier within eye sight of us by our seats. I noticed a reflective gold name tag that was placed on the middle of their chest and I couldn’t read it from where I was sitting, so I walked up to the baby and knelt down to try to read it. I read the name “Beatriz,” which is the Spanish or Portuguese spelling. I had never thought of this name before and I couldn’t fully identify for sure who the baby was in the dream as I didn’t examine the baby more closely. I was intrigued more by the name tag in the dream and that it was gold, a color that symbolizes everlasting life in the Catholic Church and is used to adorn angels and saints. The dream abruptly ended not longer after that. Later that day, I researched to see if a St Beatriz exists. I found a St Beatriz of Silva from Portugal who was the foundress of the monastic order of the Immaculate Conception that was established in Toledo, Spain. She had a devotion to the Immaculate Conception 400 years before it was officially made dogma. In some pictures of her, you will see a gold star in the middle of her forehead. She lived most of her life veiling her face as many men thought she was beautiful and wanted to court her; however, as she was dying to receive anointing of the sick, she had to uncover her face and it is said that a star reflected on her forehead. The star remained there until she breathed her last breath. What I thought was also interesting was that she passed August 16, 1491 and her feast is celebrated on August 17 or September 1 by the Franciscans. August 17 is tentatively what the due date of our fourth child could have been. Also, I read that Pope Paul VI declared her heroic virtues on January 21, 1974 which is the is same day that I had my ultrasound to confirm if the pregnancy was viable and found out that it wasn’t. Not all dreams should be overanalyzed, but the dream stood out to me and I don’t think it was merely coincidence. Because of this my husband and I felt prompted to use Beatriz as a name as I do feel pretty strongly that it was a girl.

Coping with grief and suffering

Going through this loss has caused a lot of grief, but I also feel deeply loved by God to have this heavy cross to carry. It is our sufferings in this life, whether big or small, that help us to unite ourselves with Jesus Christ through his suffering and sacrifice on the cross. Most venerable Fulton Sheen is someone who understands and speaks of this very well:

“Every tear, disappointment, and grieved heart is a blank check. If we write our name on it, it is worthless. If we sign it with Christ’s name, it is infinite in its value. In prosperity, Christ gives you his gifts; in suffering with faith, Christ gives you himself.”

A prayer that my husband and I strive to pray every morning is a prayer suggested by St Padre Pio. This prayer allows everything in your day to become a prayer and to unite it with Jesus, including our suffering:

"Oh Jesus, through the Immaculate Heart of Mary and in union with the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass being offered throughout the world, I offer you all my prayers, works, joys, and sufferings of this day in reparation for the sins committed against the Imacculate Heart of Mary, for my sins, and the sins of the whole world."

We can pray and hope for a good pregnancy outcome, in fact, it is good to pray for this, but prayer is not meant to be treated like a genie. It is not just asking, but it is putting oneself in the hands of God and at His disposition. For some reason, I do feel that God was calling my husband and I into this loss to experience and this was God’s will for our child. God’s will will not always spare us of suffering and grief, but it is this suffering that does have a purpose and it is where Jesus truly can become closer to us. Despite the grief that my husband and I have felt, we are at peace because we trust that our child is in Heaven. She will always be our fourth and she is certainly irreplaceable. We are all irreplaceable and we were made to never die and to have eternal life.

The news really did catch me off guard initially, as I didn’t have any symptoms going into the appointment that indicated I miscarried, and I was still having pregnancy symptoms on and off. It is estimated that 1-5% of pregnancies end in silent miscarriage; however, miscarriage is a reality for a lot of women and I am thankful for those at my parish who have been able to relate, share their stories, and offer prayers.

While the baby was only estimated at 6 weeks and a day, as Catholics, we value human life at every stage. Truly this was not just a clump of cells. Life starts from conception and this was our child with a soul planted by God. By February 1, I labored the baby and majority of the tissue at home naturally, but there was a substantial amount of tissue my body had made for a baby that was just six weeks. It was pretty clear to me that my body was working hard for a short period of time to try to sustain a life growing inside of me, even though the baby was really tiny. We were interested in having genetic testing done to see if they could pinpoint what was wrong and definitively determine gender, but due to inconsistent information from the practice I went to as far as if and how it could be done, we were unable to attain genetic testing. I did not lose my peace over this thankfully, and as I have already stated, I am grateful enough for the dream I had that provided some consolation.

For frame of reference, here is what progression of the fetus looks like throughout pregnancy:

The sanctity of life and the world’s contraceptive mindset

Mother Teresa believed that much of the world’s unhappiness and injustice begins with a disregard for the miracle of life created in the womb of mothers. And really, this disregard for the miracle of life has a strong correlation to the use of contraception, which encourages a lack of openness to children. Contraception or sterilization also have a strong correlation to abortion, fornication, a secular view of marriage, no fault divorce, adultery, fatherless families, acceptance and praise of immodest dress, feminism, pornography, masturbation, cohabitation before marriage, and the loss of innocence in children.

Our Lady of Good Success

Interestingly, Our Lady of Good Success has a connection to the Order of the Immaculate Conception, the same order that was founded by St Beatriz of Silva who I learned about from my dream. I started researching a bit more about this particular apparition and found that the prophesies from this apparition explicitly state how marriage will be attacked and profaned. It is stated by Our Lady of Good Success that “Masonry, then reigning, will implement iniquitous laws aimed at extinguishing the sacrament of marriage. They will make it easy for all to live in sin, thus multiplying the birth of illegitimate children without the Church’s blessing.”

Marriage is viewed by an overwhelming majority of society as an ordinance and celebration, but it is not merely those things, it is meant to be a sacrament which symbolizes Christ and the Church and it is never meant to be dissolved. Dating is not approached with a chaste mindset by most people anymore and not many see the value in that, as it is very easy to become desensitized to sin. I do understand the desensitization from my past life. But God's mercy is infinite, and He truly does desire us. We are called to repent and amend our lives even though it is much easier to be obstinate in sin.

Chastity according to the Catechism of the Catholic Church means “the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of man in his bodily and spiritual being.” (CCC 2337). Jesus called all of his disciples to live according to the evangelical counsels of poverty, chastity, and obedience and this does mean that chastity is a virtue within marriage too.

It was also prophesied by Our Lady of Good Success that modesty would no longer be present in most women, the loss of innocence of children would be prevalent as well as unbridled lust, and that the Christian spirit will rapidly decay, extinguishing the precious light of Faith until it reaches the point that there will be almost a total and general corruption of customs. Corruption in the current Church would also be present and many who should speak would fall silent. All of these things were predicted at least three centuries before and were predicted to come about in the 20th century. It has only become much worse and amplified in the 21st century. However, Our Lady of Good Success does also provide a message of hope that the Church will be restored and evil will be defeated. If you’re interested in learning more about this apparition and what else was prophesied by Our Lady, you can view the tab at the top of this page titled “Marian apparitions.”

The demise of the family

Satan wants the demise of the family. It is the attack on marriage and the family that is said to be the final battle against Satan according to Our Lady of Fatima. However, she adds to not be afraid, because anyone who works for the sanctity of marriage and the family will always be fought and opposed in every way, because this is the decisive issue... However, she has already crushed its head.

Ultimately, we live in a hyper-sexualized and preverted society. We live in a society that over emphasizes individualism over raising families. We live in a society that distorts and redefines what marriage is and that minimizes what a baby is. We live in a society that exalts “do what makes you happy” and not “what makes you holy.”

Our approach to marriage and the marital act certainly does matter when we consider that matrimony literally does mean “mother’s duty.” Matrimonium is derived in Latin from “mater” which means “mother,” and the suffix “monium,” means action or condition. Holy matrimony calls on the couple to help each other get to Heaven and to raise and educate any children they are blessed with to know and love God. Contraceptive mindsets ultimately dismantle the ends of marriage- which is the procreation of life. Much worse, abortion kills an innocent life that has already been created. Some contraceptives actually do act as abortifacients as they allow conception to happen, but prevent implantation from occurring.

I once heard ex-Satanic high wizard and convert to Catholicism, Zachary King, speak about how he used to perform abortions. He said that the number one thing that his coven recorded for unsuccessful abortions where the baby survived, was the recitation of prayers with "prayer beads" or "Jesus beads". His coven did not know what to call the beads. He later learned that these were beads of the Holy Rosary. He said he heard prayers being said outside of the abortion clinic that said this prayer:

"Hail Mary full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed are thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen."

"Keep your rosaries off our ovaries" is a lie that the father of lies and the eternal loser wants people to believe to divert people away from the truth. Satan and demons know that the ends of sex is to create a baby, a soul willed and created by God. Even Satan and demons believe in Jesus. Satan and demons believe in the mother of God. Ask an exorcist and he will tell you that Satan and demons hate Jesus and they actually hate Mary even more because she is a woman, and when Lucifer learned of Mary, who she would be and her place in God's plan, he realized he would be second to her. Because of his pride and jealousy he hates that and finds it humiliating that a woman can defeat him. They hate the rosary because it is proven to save lives, change hearts, and convert souls.

“Pope John Paul II once wrote that our culture suffers from a "hedonistic mentality unwilling to accept responsibility in matters of sexuality, and… a self-centered concept of freedom, which regards procreation as an obstacle to personal fulfillment. Generous, life-giving spousal love is the antidote to hedonism and immaturity: parents gladly give up frivolous pursuits and selfishness for the intensely more meaningful work of loving and educating their children.” (Conley, The Language of Love). The act itself is life giving and procreative- it is sacred. It is a reflection of the Holy Trinity. God made the marital embrace to be pleasurable for the intimacy of the spouses, but to purposefully prohibit the possibility of new life is immoral and contradicts natural law. Essentially, this point of natural marital embrace where God is present begins to touch on why the act of IVF is immoral, as IVF does not rely on natural conjugal love that was blessed by the Church through a valid marriage. According to Bishop Burbidge, this mindset, along with its accompanying actions, poses a grave threat “to human dignity and human rights,” which are both “very obvious” and “at other times quite subtle.” IVF commodifies children and it destroys a child’s right to natural parents, despite most of our society accepting it.

Natural Family Planning

The Church encourages Natural Family Planning for married couples if grave reasons are present to delay the conception of children through periodic abstinence. This allows the couple to prayerfully discern. NFP does not outright destroy the possibility of conceiving as the couple does not attempt to make a potentially fertile act infertile. God naturally created a woman’s cycle to consist of infertile days and fertile days. Even when using NFP, the couple is supposed to be open to the gift of a child, but there are occasional times when using NFP can become abused and be used with a contraceptive mentality.

NFP is certainly not easy to sacrificially abstain during fertile periods. It is also not always easy when not using NFP and having to go through the physical and mental process of growing a child and providing temporal needs for each child in the family. Or it may not be 100% easy when using NFP, and a couple unexpectedly conceives although they are open to it. Hence, real love does require sacrifice and patience, but sacrifice and patience are not obstacles to love, they are a part of love itself. (Fr Conley, The Language of Love).

What I found through data

It is interesting that some Catholics don’t follow traditional teaching of not using contraception and some support abortion. In a poll according to Pew Research that was taken in 2019, it was found that roughly 2% of Catholics who attend the Traditional Latin Mass use contraception, while 89% that attend the Novus Ordo Mass use contraception. In the same survey, 1% of TLM Catholics approved of abortion, while 51% of Novus Ordo attendees approved of abortion.

The average US birth rate right now is 1.64 and for TLM Catholics according to the 2019 survey I found, it was 3.6 and that number has likely increased a bit since that year. Comparing those two, this equates to a TLM family being about 74% larger than the average US family. On the other hand, the birth rate of Catholics who attend the Novus Ordo was said to be 2.3.

As Catholics we do not believe in divorce, but I also found it interesting that couples using NFP have a less than 1% divorce rate as found in the National Survey of Family and Growth by Dr. Robert Lerner. Couples who go to Church have dramatically lower divorce rates than average as well. Lastly, I thought it was interesting that the risk of divorce is 50% higher for those who cohabitate before marriage than those who don’t.

Factors of conception

There are obviously a lot variables at play for likelihood of conception when you consider factors such as maternal age, when ovulation occurs, overall health and fertility, and whether a woman strictly breastfeeds, combination feeds, uses formula, etc after birth. Most people think that you will automatically have a lot of children if you aren’t outright contracepting, but God’s will is different for everyone. At my parish, you find families that have 10 or more children, but you can also find families somewhere in between that have 3-5 children or 2. Some women also may have the cross of infertility or low infertility and not have any children. Some may have children living on earth, but also have experienced a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages. Some may have children with really close age gaps. The goal is not to have as many children as possible, but to have no more and no less than what God wants. For those who do end up being blessed with large families, it is unfortunate that most of our society holds large families in derision, yet openly accepts and praises sin and a worldly outlook.

Surrendering to God’s Will

In this life, my husband and I want to do the will of God. It is Mary, the Mother of God, who said “Be it done unto me according to thy word” by bearing her son and savior of the world, and I want to say “yes” to whatever God presents us even if it isn’t understood. While it was intended to give my body more time to heal after having three in 2 years, we don’t regret the life that was willed by God even if it was for a very short period of time. Although it was cut short, I do find it amazing that I conceived four children in 2 years and 3 months. So far, it obviously seems that I may be more fertile than average with how quickly I conceive, but I am okay with that and our fertility is not meant to be demonized. When we make our wedding vows, we commit to the other person totally and this includes their fertility.

Quite frankly, my body needs more time to physically recover so that’s a priority for a prolonged period of time, but we look forward to whatever happens in the future and we will always cooperate with God’s creativeness. Regardless of how many successful pregnancies one has, cooperating with His creativeness may entail accepting an early loss or something going wrong at any stage. Scripture tells us that perfect love casts out fear, so we don’t fear what is to come in the future. God may allow errors to occur that lead to miscarriage, but no one is a mistake and we were all certainly willed by God and we were all made for God. Each of us is loved and each of us is necessary.

Marriage when it is rightly ordered towards God truly is beautiful and joy is to be found, but walking alongside that joy, it does include hardships, sacrifice, and suffering for our sanctity. We are learning that as we live out our marriage. I do believe that our world needs a testimony of faithful marriages and families, and I do find joy in seeing so many other families at our parish, especially an abundance of parents our age who are starting to have children.

It is my hope that in this life, my children become holier than I provided that I become as holy as I should. And going through this miscarriage has begun to allow me to not just anticipate seeing the face of our child in the next life, but it causes me to long even more to see the face of God. My husband and I do not presume to be able to go to Heaven, because we are not worthy, but we do hope for it and we do sincerely long for it.

The dream I had during this miscarriage also has incited a desire to increase my devotion to The Blessed Mother and The Immaculate Conception. It is the Blessed Mother who has helped me grow closer to Jesus through praying the rosary since reverting to Catholicism.

In the words of St Louis de Montfort, “We never give more honor to Jesus than when we honor his mother, and we honor her simply and solely to honor him all the more perfectly. We go to her only as a way leading to the goal we seek- Jesus, her son.”

The long wait of naturally miscarrying

As far as the physical process of waiting things out naturally, it took about 6.5 to 7 weeks from the time the baby passed away for my body to naturally labor and pass the majority of the tissue and baby. I was diagnosed with a missed or silent miscarriage when my LMP should have been about 10 weeks and 5 days, but the baby was estimated 6 weeks and a day plus no cardiac activity. I prefer a low intervention approach unless medical intervention is necessary, so I was most comfortable with that route and preferred to avoid extra side effects from having to take cytotec or potential risks of a D&C. I did use a couple of homeopathic remedies that correlated with things moving along, which primarily included pulsatilla.

The start of the labor wasn’t painful for me, but eventually I did get labor like pain for a bit. I did end up having one tiny piece of tissue that was retained when the nurse checked at my follow up appointment, and I was told that it likely was not surgery worthy and that it would pass on its own by my next menstrual cycle.

The saddest part for me to accept with physically passing the baby, was that carrying my child for that span of time was the closest I will be to her in this life and that I won’t know who our child is until the next. I would have preferred to carry her to term, labor without any pain medication, and have to juggle four little ones than to lose our child, but again, I accept God’s will. I have realized that nothing in this life is truly ours. Everything belongs to God and this means our children too. Ironically, February 1 is the feast day of St Brigid of Ireland and a couple of her patronages includes newborns and midwives.

Below is a somewhat recent picture of what I thought was possibly the last piece of tissue that I passed, and I thought it was interesting because although we do already have the baby retained, I saw a silhouette or shadow of a baby head and shoulder after taking the picture. To me, it also looks developmentally further along than what we had already retained for a six week baby. I was convinced that this is another sign from God.

Reflections on carrying a baby during Advent and Christmastide

Being that I received a positive pregnancy test on December 7th and that I labored on February 1, I made the connection that I carried my baby throughout the season of advent and through Christmastide. Traditionally in the Church, the Christmas season extends to February 2nd, and this day is called Candlemas Day, the day on which candles are blessed for the year and it is also known as the Purification of the Blessed Virgin in the traditional calendar. It is also the feast of Our Lady of Good Success. In the new church calendar it is called the Presentation of Our Lord.

In Advent, we prepare our hearts for the birth of Christ and his second coming. As I carried my child through advent even after she unknowingly passed away, I am able to reflect on the fact that new life was created within me during this season of preparation and that during Advent Christ seeks to be born anew in our hearts. We prepare for Jesus’ birth to come into the world so that we can have everlasting life. I emotionally, spiritually, and physically prepared myself to create life and then labor my child by around the close of Christmastide so that she could go straight to Heaven and have everlasting life.

It is Our Blessed Mother through her fiat that she carried our savior so that He could enter the world- the word incarnate. Similarly, it is our duty to carry the word of God to others. The Holy Spirit dwelled within her, and the Holy Spirit surely dwells in souls that see even a spec of the Blessed Mother within them. (Fr. Kluge)

Most Venerable Fulton Sheen asks:

“Can you not see that if Christ himself willed to be physically formed in her for nine months and then be spiritually formed by her for another 30 years, it is her we must go to learn how to have Christ formed in us?”

Holy Communion and final reflection

I once read that religion is not something; it is Someone. It is Jesus- it is the trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Through Catholicism, I have personally grown closer to Jesus through the sacraments, Our Blessed Mother, and the lives of the saints. I have especially grown closer to Him through receiving Him in body, blood, soul, and divinity in the Eucharist. It is through the commandments and precepts established by the one Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church that were instilled by Jesus and sustained by the Apostles, that help one to encounter Jesus to the fullest. As Catholics, we follow what the Church has established, not because they are merely rules, but because it helps us to know Christ who is love Himself, and to love Him with all of our heart, mind, and soul.

Throughout each of my four pregnancies I would say a prayer in thanksgiving after receiving Holy Communion for Jesus not only being with me, but for being with the child I was carrying in my womb. I don’t always feel God’s presence and sometimes I don’t feel it when receiving the Eucharist, but that’s not what faith is about. It is not a subjective feeling. It is knowing that God is there even when we don’t feel it. I do believe that God is truly real and truly present. And I do believe that my child is united with Jesus, Our Lady, and all of the angels and saints in Heaven.

“For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” - Romans 8:38-39